What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Battling Infertility

Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, recalls how her third miscarriage left her emotionally shattered. The next day, she returned to her role as a receptionist, only to face remarks that stung. One manager noted she was “early on in her pregnancy” when she lost the baby, while another criticized her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t fit for the job. These comments, though well-intentioned, left Vicky in shock. She resigned during her next shift, fed up with the insensitive words.

Over time, Vicky’s friends and family have offered various phrases to ease her pain, such as “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” While they aim to comfort, the timing of their remarks often feels cruel. “They’re trying to help,” Vicky says, “but I wish they’d let me feel my emotions without adding more pressure.”

Common Missteps in Conversations

Many people who have faced fertility challenges report similar experiences. Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared how even close acquaintances made hurtful remarks. “Someone told me, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic,’” Kay recalls. These comments, though not malicious, can feel dismissive.

According to the NHS, about 14% of couples encounter difficulties in conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF treatments, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and implanted into the uterus. Yet, discussing infertility remains a sensitive topic for those undergoing the process.

Cultural Pressures and Emotional Strain

For Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, the strain is compounded by cultural expectations. In some South Asian communities, women who delay conception often face relentless criticism. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” she explains. Relatives may blame her for prioritizing work or not marrying early enough. This pressure led her to withdraw from social interactions, cutting off friends and family to avoid constant judgment.

Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, also felt the weight of embarrassment. “There’s a sense of failure,” she says, “because your body is supposed to do this naturally.” This feeling of inadequacy has made it difficult for her to share her struggles with loved ones.

Support Strategies and Expert Advice

Experts suggest that support varies from individual to individual. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London, emphasizes that infertility treatment can be emotionally taxing. “The process is a roller coaster,” she says, “with moments of immense difficulty, like when you get your period or experience a failed embryo transfer.”

Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises that friends and family should ask what kind of support the person needs. “It might not be the people you’d normally confide in,” she says, “but your IVF team could offer tailored assistance.”

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a positive example. Her friends and family provided thoughtful gestures, like bringing food, flowers, and restaurant vouchers. Even small acts, such as texts saying “I’m thinking of you,” made a meaningful difference. “Those little things show you care,” Elena says, highlighting the importance of consistent support during tough times.

“It’s not just about big gestures; even small signs of understanding matter,” says Elena Morris.