What you’re getting wrong about feeling loved, according to relationship experts
What you re getting wrong about – When it comes to love, many people focus on the wrong priorities. Consider the examples of individuals who prioritize physical appearance, financial success, and social standing in their dating profiles. A successful business owner might emphasize height and wealth, while a tech mogul could highlight their ability to travel and curate a luxurious lifestyle. Even someone in a car, seemingly casual, might comment on their image as “less of an a**hole than I look.” These choices reflect a common trend in modern dating: the overemphasis on looks, money, and status—often referred to as LMS. While these traits may attract attention initially, they could hinder deeper, more meaningful relationships over time.
The Illusion of Love Through LMS
Research suggests that the pursuit of love through superficial qualities often leads to a misaligned understanding of what truly fosters connection. While physical attractiveness, financial security, and social prestige can create short-term interest, they may not sustain emotional closeness. In fact, studies indicate these factors can create a sense of distance rather than intimacy. Many Americans believe that if they were more attractive, more successful, or more financially stable, they would feel more loved. However, experts argue that this belief overlooks the deeper, more enduring elements of love that go beyond material or visual appeal.
Sonja Lyubomirsky, a distinguished psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, and Harry Reis, a professor at the University of Rochester, challenge this mindset in their book, “How To Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.” They contend that the desire to impress others through LMS often prevents people from forming authentic bonds. Instead of focusing on what they can offer, they suggest seeking to be truly known by others. This shift in perspective, they argue, is essential for building lasting love and emotional fulfillment.
The Science of Social Connection
According to Lyubomirsky and Reis, the roots of feeling loved are deeply embedded in the brain’s ancient structures. This means that love is not just a modern pursuit but a fundamental human need, critical to survival. As Killam notes in her book, “The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier,” love and connection are as vital as food and water. Over the past three decades, the percentage of Americans with 10 or more close friends has dropped by 20%, yet the desire for deeper relationships remains strong.
Despite this, more than 75% of participants in the 2024 American Friendship Project reported satisfaction with their friend count. However, over 40% still felt their friendships lacked the emotional depth they desired. Killam emphasizes that this sense of disconnectedness is not trivial—it can be life-threatening. Studies link a lack of social connection to higher risks of stroke, dementia, and early mortality. If these relationships are so crucial, why do we struggle to maintain them?
The Five Core Myths of Love
Lyubomirsky and Reis identify five misconceptions that prevent people from feeling loved. First, the belief that attractiveness alone guarantees love. Second, the idea that showcasing achievements and qualities will ensure admiration. Third, the myth that hiding flaws is necessary for acceptance. Fourth, the assumption that partners must speak the same love language. Lastly, the expectation that love can be intensified through constant effort or change.
“These myths act as barriers to genuine connection,” the authors explain. “They lead us to believe love is something we can earn or force, rather than something we can cultivate through understanding and presence.” The book advocates a shift from transactional relationships to those built on mutual recognition and emotional resonance. This approach, they argue, is supported by decades of research showing how social ties impact both mental and physical well-being.
One of the key strategies outlined in the book is the importance of communication. Rather than focusing on what we can offer, we should prioritize listening and being fully present. For instance, the authors recommend engaging in conversations that go beyond surface-level topics. A simple question like, “What’s something you’ve changed your mind about?” can open the door to deeper understanding. This method fosters connection by allowing both parties to feel valued and heard.
Reimagining Love in the Digital Age
As digital interactions become more prevalent, the challenge of maintaining meaningful connections has grown. Gen Z, in particular, has introduced new ways of expressing love, such as “quiet relationships” and “soft launches,” which emphasize subtle, intentional engagement over grand gestures. However, these trends also highlight a growing disconnect between online personas and real-life intimacy. The focus on curated images and status updates can create a distorted view of love, where external validation replaces internal fulfillment.
“We’re living in an era where love is often measured by the number of likes or the depth of a profile,” Killam observes. “Yet, the essence of love lies in the quality of our interactions, not the quantity of our social media followers.” The authors suggest that by revising how we communicate and perceive love, we can reclaim the emotional richness that modern dating often overlooks. This includes recognizing that love is not a destination but a continuous process of building and nurturing bonds.
Ultimately, the path to feeling loved requires a change in mindset. It’s not about changing ourselves or others to meet certain standards, but about embracing the present and fostering authenticity. As Lyubomirsky and Reis explain, the key to lasting love lies in how we engage with one another, not in the traits we display. By focusing on meaningful conversations and genuine connection, we can transform our understanding of love and its role in our lives.
“Connection is as essential as food and water,” Kasley Killam wrote in her book, “The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier.”
These insights challenge the notion that love can be engineered through material success or superficial charm. Instead, they highlight the importance of emotional presence, mutual recognition, and the willingness to engage in vulnerable, honest dialogue. By rethinking our approach to love, we can move beyond the myths that keep us isolated and create relationships that truly matter.
